Let’s talk about chrome

No, not Google Chrome (which I seem to have a love/hate relationship with), but the shiny metallic stuff manufacturers and some owners put on their cars for that bling factor. That chrome, which in certain amounts is fine, and any more is fugly. Yeah, fugly is an apt description.

I think some of the blame has to go to the Americans. Yes, the people who are clever enough to put man on Luna, start the internet, build the space shuttle, are simultaneously disposed to being absolute morons. Americans love their cars, and that is awesome. But they also love shiny cars, which is not. Why do they insist on installing massive chromed grilles on things? Yes, I am looking at you, Ford. No, that is way too much on your new F150.

Yet, the Americans are more than capable of designing and building beautiful cars. Just look at that new Mustang. Gorgeous. Better looking than Miranda Kerr I say. Yes, it is a muscle car and it probably would wobble drunkenly a bit in a bend, but I could not care less. See, less chrome is a good thing.

Even worse than rabid chrome addiction in the car design studios of some manufacturers, are the owners themselves. They do a disservice to cars everywhere. Seriously, I would not mind if adorning your car meant some fluffy dice and a set of pointless stick figure stickers of your dysfunctional family, but why do some people go that extra step? Chromed wheel arches (yuck). Chromed…tail lights?! Who in their right minds think that is a great step in aesthetics? It would be like naming a Soviet era apartment block Architectural Design of the Century.

Please, please stop putting too much chrome on things. It is a grotesque violation of people’s eyesight.

Goodbye Clarkson, May and Hammond’s Top Gear

So, the final episode of Top Gear season 22 has finally aired and aside from that giant elephant in the room, it was pretty much business as usual. The deliberately incompetent trio is shown faffing about with their usual hijinks, causing mayhem and (controlled) destruction.

It’s all very funny and entertaining.

But it is also the swan song of a television program that’s turned into an international institution, brought about by some sort of magic combination that was definitely greater than the sum of its parts.

I know Top Gear will continue with new hosts and new formatting, but it’s unlikely to ever be that show about three immature people made for immature people watched and laughed at any more. So, here’s to you, Clarkson, May and Hamster. Thanks for the memories!

Fast and Furious 7

Why does The Rock always get beaten by smaller guys?
Featuring
Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto
Paul Walker as Brian O’Connor
Dwayne Johnson as Agent “No Broken Arm Can Stop Me” Hobbs
Michelle Rodriguez as Leticia Ortiz
Tyrese Gibson as Roman Pierce
Chris Bridges as Tej Parker
Nathalie Emmanuel as Megan Ramsey
with Jason Statham as Deckard Shaw
and Kurt Russell as Mr Nobody

Everything about Fast and Furious is going to be different. That’s what you already know when you walk into the cinema. It’s sad that Paul Walker was killed during filming, and a lot of this movie is used to deal with the retirement of Brian O’Connor, and sending him off in style.

Fast and Furious 7 picks up immediately from FF6, with Deckard Shaw threatening Dom as he walks away from the wreck of Han’s car in Tokyo. This is Owen Shaw’s much more capable big brother, and lives up to Jason Statham’s action credentials.

The only irony is that they say Deckard Shaw can get in and out of any secure facility without anyone noticing, but he destroys a hospital when he visits Owen Shaw. I’m pretty sure someone will have noticed that. Ah, whatever, it’s a Fast and Furious movie. It’s about the stunts, the action and the cars.

FF7 does not disappoint. First you have a raid on a convoy with an airdrop of cars. Then, you have Brian O’Connor fighting Tony Jaa (and somehow, Tony Jaa doesn’t win), plus Predator drones, and jumping a supercar through three skyscrapers.

It’s definitely not a serious movie, and how could it be, when Agent Hobbs squeezes his manly muscles and sheds his plaster cast in hospital, before blowing up a helicopter with a Predator drone’s machine gun?

FF7 is the end of an era. Vin Diesel’s lament at the end of the fil of Paul Walker’s departure was definitely tear inducing, but it means that any future instalments will have to rely on a new character to hold the fort and perform the crazy bromance stunts with Vin Diesel. Long live Fast and Furious, because we need more movies like this, insane, physics defying, funny and takes it self not seriously at all.

Rating

It’s a Fast and Furious good time.

Watch this if you…

Love cars, a bit of situational comedy and action movies in general.

Don’t watch this if you…

Are really into serious things. Like taxes.

Do cars as we know them have a future?

This may sound like a silly question, but if you think about it, even in the medium term, can our cars stay in their current form?

I’ve been lucky enough to sit down and participate in a debate about the future of transport and transport safety with engineers, scientists and other professionals. This involved, strangely enough, a debate centred on automated cars, which really do seem to be a realistic prospect in the not too distant future. Exhibit A: the Google Prius.

A petrolhead I may be, but I’m also a pragmatist when it comes to technology. I might look at a 1960s Mustang fastback with lustful eyes when I walk past one, but I really wouldn’t want to be in control of a car that’s nearly fifty and designed in an era when crash safety didn’t exist.

A lot of people think of this “golden age” of motoring, when petrol was cheap, V8s were mostly affordable and a three speed automatic gearbox was the envy of the world. But, there were lots of downsides too. I mean, think of a Ford Pinto, and all you’ll remember is the potential to enter the Pearly Gates in the company of an enormous fireball. But the future is ultimately where the sweet, sweet saviour of automation lies. Therein lies the question: would you buy a car that could drive itself? Do you trust robots more than your fellow man?

The case for robot cars

Let’s face it, whether you’re aware of it or not, lots of things in life are already automated. iPhones sync data across the iCloud to your iMac while you eat your iNoodles. If you fly on a commercial airliner, take off, landing and cruising are all automated, requiring minimal input from the pilot and first officer. If you visit Singapore, and many other cities in the world, some of their subway systems are completely automated, no signals, no drivers, just smooth running.

So, why not for cars too? We already rely on rudimentary computer control for lots of things in cars, ABS, dynamic stability control, and now the cars will brake if we’re looking closely at our iPhones while drinking iCoffee, instead of concentrating on driving. But isn’t that really the crux of the problem?

Most people don’t really enjoy driving, whether as part of their commute, or when they’re on the way to their favourite camp site during the summer holidays, with the kids asking whether they’ve arrived yet. If they did, they wouldn’t buy Toyota Camrys. No wonder people drive with their phones in their hands checking their Faceplant pages. If cars can be made completely automated, why wouldn’t that be a benefit to society? No more road rage, no red light running, booze buses would be completely unnecessary, just to name some benefits.

But for many generations that grew up with the notion of control, it might be quite an eerie and scary experience to trust in the guidance of a robot while on the road.

The case against robot cars

Simply put, there is only one case against this, and that is for those people who do enjoy driving, a robot would spell the end of having to learn how to drive, no need for steering wheels and manual gearboxes, clutches etc.. But I don’t think that necessarily spells the end for cars that need our attention and control.

Ok, maybe two: we don’t trust the robots to do “as good a job” as we can. The trouble is, we only have two eyes, while these things have different kinds of sensors plastered all over them!

What form will a car be in the future?

I think that the car as we see today, in some forms, will still have a limited future. The technology will still be used by automated cars, and controlled by the onboard computers. But people who like to drive, who are racing drivers, or like to do it recreationally, can still do so in a semi or fully controlled environment.

Automated cars will still need all the crash protection mechanisms we have today, just in case of some systems failure, but the engines and other unseen bits could be packaged differently and more efficiently.

Perhaps the sedan and the SUV will merge into something a bit taller, but the space underneath the passenger compartment is taken up with the gubbins, at once reducing the polar moment of inertia, and allowing for more internal room.

Predicting the future is fraught with issues, since there are an infinite number of possibilities. What I do know, is that there is a transport revolution coming within our lifetimes, one that I very much look forward to.

Brick Mansions

B-grade warm up to Fast Seven

Featuring

Paul Walker as Brian O’Connor’s less cool twin, Damien Collier
David Belle as Lino, a master at the art of running away
RZA as Tremaine Alexander, a typical bad guy with a heart of gold
with Catalina Denis as Lola

Brick Mansions is the late Paul Walker’s final completed film, which made watching it slightly nostalgic. Sadly, he never did finish Fast and Furious 7 before he met his untimely demise, but having said that, it is still a film that I’m sure will be very much worth watching. Brick Mansions is probably what you’d come to expect from a Paul Walker movie, his character is a cop, there’s crime or some sort of bad guy to take out. In the midst of it, there’s fighting, guns, cars and beautiful women. Oh, there’s also a predictable, happy ending.

Set in yet another dystopian Detroit, much like the craphole it is today, Brick Mansions details the adventures of Damien Collier, a cop who’s out for justice/revenge because his father, also a cop was shot in a raid into the Brick Mansions area, a walled up and impoverished part of Detroit. Now, if anyone has ever seen the film District 13, this movie is exactly the same. Right down to the displays of the now ubiquitous French Art of Running Away, parkour. Hell, the parkour is performed by the same guy, David Belle, in both movies! Yes, this is a film that is truly imaginative.

Look, maybe I’m being a bit harsh on the movie, the action is still pretty cool, the stunts by Belle are excellent and the movie is still fun to watch, though the storyline is pedestrian and mundane. It feels like the sort of thing you’d finish up with on Captain Planet (he’s a hero!) when you were still just a wee kid. In terms of the cast, there’s not much to say really, there’s Walker’s signature stare/gaze when a closeup is required, RZA really hams up the baddy and David Belle…doesn’t exert any effort to explain why is there a French dude living in Detroit.

Funnily enough, there’s not much to say about Brick Mansions. It is an undeniably fun, action filled dumb movie with dimensionless characters, soggy storyline, plotholes and good looking people. This is probably the best summation of the movie, in which lots of stuff happens, only to have an anticlimatic finish. Kind of like going to McDonald’s and thinking that just this once, the burger will actually look like the ones in the ads. Actually, now that I think about it, McDonald’s is about the right sort of comparison to this movie. You have this illogical craving for it, it’s fine going down, but it’s the aftermath that’s the problem.

Rating

Classic B-grade action movie with an A-grade cast.

Should I watch this?

If you’re trapped in a flying metal tube like I was, you’re kind of starved for choice.