Back in the eighties, mutants are still depressingly depressing, despite all the awesome hair and shoulder pads. Well, except Quicksilver. He’s the best.

Lots of people as mutants
Seriously, there are too many actors and actresses in this movie.

In some ways, it’s kind of a blessing that Marvel sold off the X Men movie rights to Sony. Because you can imagine what The Avengers would be like if the correct X Men were involved. Actually, I was being sarcastic. It’s not a blessing, though Iron Man et al haven’t suffered as a result. However, the X Men have become a set of movies that are either good or bad, with not much in between.

Enter Apocalypse, the latest in the series. Set in the eighties, it seems that the revelation of mutants in the world has largely gone well. Even Magneto, who is the most emo dude I’ve ever heard of with a purple costume, is living a peaceful life in Poland with his wife and daughter.

Meanwhile, Moira McTaggert, Professor X’s crush is pursuing a bunch of crazy cultists in Egypt who believe in some sort of ancient god. Unfortunately, for the second time running, she causes a problem for mutants. Not satisfied with being the cause of Professor X’s paralysis, she also inadvertently releases Apocalypse, who is…turquoise.

Anyway, Apocalypse immediately sets out to create a world that is ruled by mutants and the strong. Because reasons. Which are not well established. But whatever, Apocalypse is evil. And Magneto, angry and mourning the loss of his perfect family, joins him, along with Angel, Psylocke and Storm. Wait…those guys NEVER joined the dark side!

Aside from some of the characters not making any sense at all, X Men: Apocaplypse suffers from depressing superhero movie syndrome. But not in the same way as Batman vs Superman, which was all dark and moody, but because the whole thing seems really aimless. It’s almost as if the writers sat down and decided to have Apocalypse as the villain and then just tacked on stuff from out of their rear ends.

The movie really suffers for it, because you just feel like there’s a lot of droning from Magneto about mutant oppression, and Professor X professing his undying hope and vision for everyone to hold hands and sing kumbaya together. If this sounds familiar, that’s because it’s been done to death in every X Men movie ever.

I know what is being tried with the X Men movies. Build a “cinematic universe” where the only superheroes and villains are mutants, akin to Marvel’s much broader universe of movies and TV shows. I don’t think this will work well, because they’re not allowing the individual characters to come out with their own movies, apart from Wolverine. Well, and Deadpool. It’s not working because none of the characters have had enough screen time to be people. I mean, Jubilee’s in this movie, but all she does is watch Star Wars with Jean Grey and Nightcrawler.

Well, in the grand scheme of things, X Men: Apocalypse isn’t a bad movie per se. It’s just pedestrian. It’s kind of like plain white rice. Yes, it’s got a lot of carbs and it’s not bad for you, but there’s just nothing memorable about rice. The movie serves little to go with the rice, and that’s plain disappointing, especially as a follow up to the very enjoyable First Class and Days of Future Past.


Spectacularly mediocre in every way. You just know what’s going to happen because it’s oh so formulaic.


Wolverine’s surprise appearance, Sansa Stark and Quicksilkver.


Bad rocket physics, bad Apocalypse and mopey Magneto.


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