Warning: contains immaturity, explosions and bewbs. Lots of bewbs…

Written by:
G. Van Dyke and R. Brown in 2015

So, I found this book on Amazon’s suggestions list, and read the description. Basically it says, do not read this book if you are offended by the front cover, which contains a badly photoshopped woman dressed like she’s on her way to be Carrie Fisher’s stunt double at a party hosted by Jabba the Hutt. And so I bought it, because badly photoshopped front covers are awesome.

The story, set in 2287 (as the title would suggest), focuses on the aftermath of an alien invasion of Earth. It has been fifteen years since most of humanity was wiped out by a biological weapon, and only thousands of survivors remain, deep within the Mariana Trench. On occasion, they wander out of the seabase to do things, like investigate anomalies on the surface, or blow up aliens.

On one such visit to Denver, the leader of the survivors, Admiral Steven Sherrah, finds his ideal genetic mate, Carrie Fisher’s stunt double, Ashlyn Parker. It turns out they were both test tube babies, genetically modified to “complement” each other, and after bumping uglies, will become super duper powerful beings. Or something. Then, there are some revelations about aliens and their uplift of humanity for mysterious purposes, which are part of the mumblings of real life pseudoscientists.

After finding out about humanity’s true origins, Steven, Ashlyn and a bunch of soldiers fly off to Sirius in a retrofitted science vessel turned warship, to stop the threat to Earth posed by Enlil, the alien baddie, once and for all. Unfortunately, as you would expect, the journey does not go to plan, and the fight is on for survival and victory.

2287AD is most definitely an action oriented book, that is about as sophisticated as a beer with roadkill and as subtle as Jeremy Clarkson. But it is definitely nowhere near as witty, funny or intelligent as Clarkson, because this book does not contain a British accent. This is an all American affair.

There are some obvious signs that this was written and editted by people who are not exactly professional. There are many appearances of stray apostrophes, the usage of there, their and they’re are routinely swapped around like a primary school kid’s writing, and there are words that are used out of context or just plain made up. It kind of feels like the authors were lost in their enthusiasm for the story and forgot to check whether they brought their English textbooks with them.

There are some other problems with the book as well. Van Dyke and Brown are a husband and wife team, but the overt sexism in the book, especially around Ashlyn’s very one dimensional character is cringeworthy. I get that she is supposed to be the perfect woman, but I seriously doubt that any professional military organisation, as depicted in 2287AD would allow any its of its members to dress in the manner she does. Even worse, there is a scene where she saves the world, and the men are congratulating her by slapping her butt? I do not know how these adults, who have the discipline and intelligence of children, survive in this story.

I get this book is supposed to be light hearted and tongue in cheek, though the tongue is probably not quite in the correct position. While the book starts off well, has some interesting divergences and a decent sense of humour, but as you read on, you get tired of the immaturity on display. I suppose if you do not mind that kind of title, this would float your boat.

Rating

Much like a bucket of KFC chicken, or sleeping with your ex, it feels good going in, but you’ll probably regret it in the morning when you’re sitting on the throne.

Read this if you…

Are sixteen, have a mind of a sixteen year old, or you’re just out for a good time that doesn’t take itself seriously.

Don’t read this if you…

Don’t like alien uplift type stuff. Or anything to do with alien conspiracy theories etc.

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