Raaaaarrrrr! Crunch…

Featuring
Chris Pratt as Owen “Velociraptor Whisperer” Grady
Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire “Animal Assets” Dearing
Vincent D’Onofrio as Vic Hoskins
Ty Simpkins and Nick Robinson as The Obligatory Kids in a Monster Movie
Oh, and lots of CGI dinosaurs making loud noises

Ah Jurassic Park, that classic of nineties cinema, dinosaurs, Jeff Goldblum and Sir David Attenborough. Almost makes me nostalgic for that other nineties cinema classic starring aliens, Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith and the best US President ever. Oh, and there’s finally a sequel to that coming soon. Cannot wait for the next Independence Day.

Jurassic World is the fourth instalment of the venerable dinosaur franchise, and after watching it, I kind of wonder whether it was necessary at all. We start with the Obligatory Kids in a Dinosaur Movie characters (read: the kids that everyone has to save) happily being sent off by their parents to the Jurassic World theme park, under the care of their aunt, who only cares about how expensive the theme park’s “assets” are. Urgh.

If you want to be annoyed at the script, and how forced that line feels, just watch the first half hour of the movie and cringe. This has to be on par with that other way of using the word “assets” for sheer craptacularness. Yeah, I know the movie is trying to say that animals are not consumable items to be discarded, but still, the consistency of Claire Dearing’s speech gets really, really old.

Look, we all know that you go to watch a Jurassic Park movie for the dinosaurs, and frankly, they are kind of getting old. Never mind the doubts about the movie’s scientific accuracy in the depiction of dinosaurs, what you pay for is to watch rampant terrible lizards eating people, crunching things, running, making noises and generally being immune to small arms fire. Well, at least they satisfy that count.

The movie’s main villain, Godzilla’s half velociraptor cousin, is in short, your typical giant monster that humans have raised and failed to comprehend. Which is then soundly defeated by the rest of the theme park’s reptilian inhabitants, who obviously do not like their new upstart neighbour. The hybrid monster is stopped by its venerable ancestor through genetics, the t-rex, a plucky young velociraptor that is now just as faithful as your labrador, but with more teeth. Looks like the world’s German Shepherds are out of a job. Also, this movie is really dumb. Think about it, the last vision is a panning shot of a triumphant t-rex, taking lordship over its domain. Double facepalm. The Dinosaur King, this is not.

By the end of the movie, it was getting pretty tiring, mainly because the plot has not changed in nearly twenty years. The theme park is initially successful, a wonderful experience for the family, a giant and aggressive animal gets loose and creates a certain level of havoc, screaming and destruction before finally being brought down. I know this movie has made a lot of money, but could they at least try a different story for the inevitable sequels? Like, maybe have one about the velociraptor squad becoming a dancing troupe. Or make a movie about a plucky young girl freeing the giant mosasaurus called William?

Rating

An entirely predictable adventure movie about how dinosaurs are dangerous and should never be considered as “assets”.

Watch this if you…

Are six. Or six and a half.

Don’t watch this if you…

Enjoyed all the other, much better, monster movies that came out between this and Jurassic Park: The Lost World.

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One thought on “Jurassic World

  1. The goddamn stilettos throughout the movie bothered me. That’s how petty I was about it.

    Also I think Pixar is doing your suggestions for alternative sequels with The Good Dinosaur.

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