Well, the first thirty minutes of it anyway

Mila Kunis as Jupiter
Channing Tatum as Caine
Sean Bean as Stinger
with Eddie Redmayne as Balem

What. The. F*ck is this? Seriously, why can’t the Wachowskis make good movies any more? Why is this movie so nonsensical? The rags to riches story of a Russian domestic cleaner who happens to be identical to a dead interstellar queen. And then there’s Channing Tatum’s half wolf, half human character. Is this the Wachowski’s secret homage to Twatlight?

Honestly, I can sit through some pretty terrible movies, and most terrible movies are also stupid action movies. Hell, there are times when I actually think that I might go home and watch Transformers or something. Jupiter Ascending though…it’s worse than any Transformers movie.

So, there’s apparently some interstellar empire that commits genocide every so often because its nobility demands it. I have no idea why, and seriously I don’t think it’s important. Then there’s little Jupiter and her team of Russian cleaners who are poor and can’t get out of their life rut.

Then some little grey aliens come along and her life gets flip turned upside down, meets the Wachowski’s idea for Team Jacob and subsequently gets involved in a fire fight that destroys half of downtown Chicago. And then we gave up on the movie.

Sure, the computer graphics are absolutely stunning (and totally unrealistic), but it’s sort of like looking at a mannequin, or going out with Gabi Grecko. There’s not enough to appeal to the grown up in me who needs conversation.

Seriously though, in a comparison of bad movies, Transformers: Age of Extinction is kind of like your dog taking a dump on your carpet because it couldn’t get outside in time. It still loves you and he or she will look at you with puppy dog eyes that say “feed me”. Jupiter Ascending is like getting home from work and finding out that some bloke has dumped a tonne of horse manure on your porch, blocking your front door. And that stink.


I guess it’s better than being kicked in the nuts. But not by much.

Watch this if you are…

Stuck on a desert island with nothing else to do. Then throw away the device with this movie on it because you’ve lost all hope of mental sanity.

Don’t watch this if you…

Have a football you can paint a face on to keep you company.


3 thoughts on “Jupiter Ascending

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