This is the most boring horror movie I’ve ever seen, because it wouldn’t scare wet tissue paper

Featuring

Olivia Cooke as Laine
Ana Coto as Sarah
Daren Kagasoff as Trevor
Douglas Smith as Pete
with Shelley Hennig as Debbie

Look, no buts about it, hats off to Hasbro for making not only the worst horror movie in recent memory, but also the most boring horror movie in memory. I didn’t realise that Hasbro was behind this atrocity, until I did a bit of research on it, given its relatively unknown cast. I couldn’t believe how bad it was, until I realised it was made by a toy company. Just like Battleship. And Transformers: Explosion Fest.

Ouija follows the misadventures of six ordinary middle class teenagers (or young adults, it’s not really clear what). One of these kids/adults, Debbie, lives alone in an enormous double storey house. Yeah, makes no sense eh? Anyway, she kills herself after playing Ouija alone, and her best friend decides to contact her via a seance. Somehow, they manage to contact someone named “D”. They wrongly assume it’s Debbie and the rest of the movie’s misadventures pans out in cliched horror movie moments. Like how nearly everyone dies.

I’d love to say that despite all the cliches, Ouija was still scary. Unfortunately, this appears to be the sort of horror movie made for eight year olds who are about to embark on their annual trick-or-treat. There’s no suspense, all of the jump scares are predictable and the performance of the cast are about as wooden as the trees in the Amazon rainforest.

Like most horror movies, it attempts to build suspense by being slow paced. However, the pace was never the problem. The main problem for Ouija was coming up with a decent reason why people are being killed by a vengeful spirit (it’s never made clear why it’s vengeful in the first place…apart from it being evil) and why it’s haunting that particular house. If Ouija the game is going to get a decent advertorial from Ouija the movie, then it has failed miserably.

Here’s the thing, The Boss loves horror movies, but she spent the entire ninety minute run time of this movie playing a room escape game on her phone. I semi-watched Ouija while also watching (and rewatching) every single Dragon Age Inquisition trailer. The sad fact is that Ouija is just not an entertaning prospect. Faced with the options of tapping incessantly on her phone, or watching this movie, she picked her phone without question. I think that says it all about this movie.

Rating

A pathetic attempt at a horror movie. I’d be more frightened of Death by Snoo Snoo.

Watch this if you…

Want to introduce your four year old daughter to horror movies, because it’s about as G-rated as Sesame Street

Don’t watch this if you…

Like horror movies. This movie, unlike your shopping, couldn’t get past a wet paper bag.

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