This is what you get when you spend $70 million on lipstick for pigs

Featuring

Kellan Lutz as Hercules/Alcides
Gaia Weiss as Hebe
Scott Adkins as King Amphitryon
Roxanne McKee as Queen Alcmene
with Liam McIntyre as Sotiris

There are many questions immediately springing to mind when you finish watching The Legend of Hercules. Chief amongst them, is where the hell did the purported seventy million dollar budget go? Who and what did they pay for? It wasn’t scriptwriters, a decent story, decent actors, decent computer graphics or even decent researchers. Sad, really, because Hercules is usually a great base for an action movie.

As with many good things, where the total is greater than the sum of its parts, The Legend of Hercules is worse than the sum (or is it detraction?) of its parts. Firstly, there’s the nonsensical story, unassisted by the terrible dialogue, which feels like it belongs in a seedy Thai bar. I mean, if you’re going to make a movie called The Legend of Hercules, at least you shouldn’t make his love interest his half-sister.

Then, there’s the acting. Or lack thereof. Apart from Scott Adkins, who seems to play a passable action movie bad guy, the rest of the cast mope about, like an emotionless petrol station attendant. It doesn’t help that Hercules looks like Steve Stifler, because you watch this and you take his attempt at leadership as seriously as you would high school band camp.

Now, you say, the action and the visuals must be top notch, since they skimped on everything else in the movie. Wrong. They are sh!t. The computer graphics look like they belong in the nineties with their awkward colours and design. What’s more, there’s crude attempts at 300 and Matrix style slow motion action, which just looks cheap and exploitative, rather than exciting.

So, how to sum up The Legend of Hercules? Very easily. It’s completely rubbish. It’s not even the type of rubbish that is recyclable, either. Instead, it’s the type that gives you gastro, which tasted funny and off at the start, and comes out painfully and requires treatment to help you get over the trauma. Do not watch this, do not pay for it, and even if you’re willing to download it online, you’re wasting your quota, power and bandwidth. The Legend of Hercules? Just…no.

Rating

This movie is completely rubbish. You’re better off getting diarrhoea.

Should I watch this?

Why? Didn’t this review convince you already? Or are you just curious about just how crap it is?

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