Machete Kills

This movie is wierd and (slightly) wonderful. Also, James Bond in Mexico uses a sword. That’s just totally badarse.


Danny Trejo as Machete
Jessica Alba as Agent Rivera
Charlie Sheen as himself/The President
Mel Gibson as Luthor Voz
Sofia Vergara as Madame Desdemona
Michelle Rodriguez as She
Lady Gaga as…anyone and everyone
and Amber Heard as Blanca Vasquez

Never has there been such a badarse action hero. Sure, there have been some pretty good secret agents, James Bond and Maxwell Smart. There have even been some pretty darn good superheroes like Iron Man and Batman. However, none of those guys have a moustache and walk around with bare arms with a preference for hand-to-hand combat. Machete is simply concentrated awesome.

The movie actually doesn’t start with your usual monologue or scrolling/fading text. It actually starts with a trailer for the upcoming Machete Kills Again (In Space…space…space) which will be the final installment of the trilogy. At first, you think the trailer is only a joke, but as you watch the movie, it all points to each thread in the storyline being woven together to foreshadow Kills Again.

We pick up the action after the first Machete, where Jessica Alba and Machete himself have teamed up to fight crime along the border between America and Mexico. Unfortunately for viewers (and Machete), when the devastatingly beautiful Jessica Alba is devastatingly killed by masked gunmen when they are intercepting an illegal weapons shipment. Machete is arrested and hanged, although, he’s so tough, he just won’t die. He’s then offered American citizenship by the President in exchange for eliminating an evil criminal mastermind called Mendez, who has a nuclear missile aimed at Washington.

Machete is decidedly camp, slightly crappy special effects, overacted and over the top action (read: lots of blood splatter), in a nod to B-grade cinema and its sequel is no different. That’s the appeal of this stuff, it’s good cinema done deliberately badly. Overall, Machete Kills is still a fun movie, but it’s more serious than the original and as a result, not as funny. It’s still a decent movie to watch, but there are better ones out there.


Could be better. Then again, nachos are already awesome, but greatly improved when served with cheese, salsa and sour cream.

Should I go see it?

If you liked the original’s over the top everything, offbeat humour and hand-to-hand combat in general, yes. Otherwise, you should probably stick to 007 movies.


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