It’s funny. I usually don’t think of good taglines for review articles immediately after playing, watching or reading something. It requires thought, contemplation, some meditation and inspiration from puns. All this went out the window with Rise of the Triad. I knew immediately what I wanted as the tagline after playing this game.

Rise of the Triad is a reboot of an old 1990s game going by the same name and shares that distinction with Shadow Warrior, which I had a go at last year. Where Shadow Warrior took the comical elements of unrealistic guns, bad toilet humour and demon-sashimi from the original game and put it into a modern game engine with modern graphics and added a skill upgrade tree, Rise of the Triad has its feet and other extremities firmly planted in the past.

It’s so far in the past that the game shows how many points you gain by hitting enemies with a bullet and for the life of me, I can’t tell the difference in a body shot or a head shot. Then, there are the platforming elements where you’re supposed to collect giant floating coins, which made the game feel like a first person version of Super Mario, but with none of the sense of fun and cute noises. Also, you cannot just jump onto enemies to flatten them and koopa troopers are nowhere to be found.

In all senses of the word, the game feels lazy. I can kind of excuse the slightly crappy graphics since the remake seems to have been quite low budget, and I could probably excuse the leaden voice acting and terrible comic strip cutscenes for the same reason. But I cannot get past the gameplay where I have to jump around collecting coins in a first person shooter on the PC. Times have changed and games should be better than this. It actually feels like it belongs, coincidentally, on the iOS App Store or the Google Play Store as it’s exactly the kind of casual, arcadey game that those platforms are known for.

I’m not ashamed to say that I only played ten minutes of this and went back to doing something else. It doesn’t really matter what it is, because it was much better than Rise of the Triad.

Amount of time played: Ten minutes.

Number of levels cleared: One.

Fate of game installation: Deleted immediately. Will not be reinstalled.

Alternatives: Shadow Warrior, Super Mario or any of its sequels.

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